The secret is out ...

Since I started blogging on November 1, 2004 – my life has pretty much been an open book. There really hasn’t been much I didn’t blog about over the last few years. (Unless of course , it was a violation of OPSEC regulations) I’ve always said that everything was bloggable.

Last month I received a diagnosis … and one of my first thoughts was do I share this with my readers? I’ve always shared but quite simply I wasn’t ready to share with the rest of the world.

You see – I was diagnosed with Agitated Depression and Adult ADD. Those that know me are probably thinking there is no way for either of those things. I agree – for I thought my dr was crazy when she first told me. However , that is what the testing revealed. Apparently I’ve had the ADD all my life and just have really good coping and survival skills to manage it. The depression threw me for a loop — but I was thinking in terms of classical depression symptoms. Apparently depression can have different symptoms for different people depending on your energy level, coping mechanisms and personality.

I thought oh my what will people think about this diagnosis ? Will the meds they were having me take change my personality. I confided in a few select friends, my business partner , and my husband — I didn’t even talk to my kids about it. Most were shocked by it and many others didn’t buy it. There was one or two friends that said “oh yeah I can totally see that ” (in regards to the Adult ADD)

I’ve always been super high energy , can’t ever turn my brain off and always coming up with a new product/idea . I’m a dis-organizational HOT MESS when it comes to the fine details and keeping things organized. It drove me (and others too) that I couldn’t get organized no matter what. When I started Operation No More Projects for a Year (i promised my hubby when we started Bravo Tango Tees) I thought I can do this , I’ll enjoy the lack of projects and can focus all my energy on Bravo Tango.

I did for most of the 12 months .. however as I started to get closer to that deadline I began to get twitchy. I needed and wanted to start another project — all this “down-time” was killing me. I didn’t have any energy or motivation to do anything. I couldn’t focus on anything for a significant length of time and it was a struggle to get anything done.

After my birthday in January , I began to realize that something was wrong. I went to the dr and they ran every blood test known to man. (or at least it seemed ) It was determined it wasn’t my thyroid or anything “physical”. They sent me to a Psychologist to see if there was something else. They assumed it was depression or possible ADD and proceeded with some evaluations. I remember telling the Dr that day – it isn’t depression. I wasn’t sad, I didn’t cry , I didn’t sleep all the time. I have a wonderful marriage , my kids were happy and healthy – My life was pretty damn good and I loved it .

After the results came in , things started to make sense. I’ve been on my medication for over a month and its made a significant difference in my day to day and business life. It’s actually improved many things – things I didn’t realize that were being affected. Eventually I get over this depression but the ADD will always be with me . I’m ok with that.

So why am I telling you guys ? Well like I said I’ve always been an open book with you and I want it to stay that way . I also want others to know that it is nothing to be ashamed of . There are LOTS of people (even many celebrities) that have ADD and/or depression . I want you to know what I’m dealing with and to create awareness about it. If you feel that there is something wrong ,something just not right — then get it checked out. Do something about it.

So there – the secret is out.